Friday, December 16, 2011

On being the worst mom in the world

Tonight was Finley's holiday show that her daycare was putting on. She was supposed to dress up in all white to be a snowflake and her class was going to be singing "Let It Snow". Super cute. I have been looking forward to tonight all week. It's been a ridiculously busy few months work-wise and I kept promising myself I would slow down for the holidays and enjoy them with Finley and Bean. But as the holidays have gotten closer and closer, I've just grown even more busy trying to tie up loose ends and get everything done in time for the holidays for everyone, that I've spent almost every afternoon and well into the wee hours of the night shut up in my office as Bean watches Fin in the family room. Not super fun. But tonight was to be my night with my family, to spend time with my daughter and watch her perform in her adorable little show. I was SO excited. I even got her a new skirt to wear so she would look like an extra cute snowflake.

But as per usual, I got so bogged down with finishing editing sessions, answering one last email, checking on a print order, etc. that we were late getting out the door to Finley's show. I thought it would be OK, they probably wouldn't start right away, and we would only be a few minutes late, not realizing it was rush hour and would take twice as long to get to the school. Then about halfway to the school I remembered that it wasn't actually AT the school, it was at the community center nearby and I didn't have the address. So we spent the next 10 minutes driving around looking for it, me shouting at Bean to do a better job looking it up on my phone as Finley screamed for her baba in the backseat. We finally ended up stopping at a gas station to ask where the community center was. Luckily someone in there was able to point us in the right direction and we ran into the community center a full 35 minutes late, only to find we had completely missed Finley's entire performance. I was crushed. When her teacher told us we missed it I nearly had a meltdown right there, but thankfully kept it together until Bean and I got in the car later on.

I just feel like such an awful mother. How did I let work get in the way of making her night a priority? If I wasn't so distracted with all the stuff I have on my plate, I would have been on top of having the address to the community center, we never would have been late, and we never would have missed her performance. Who is this person I've become that put work before my child? I'm like the dad in the movie Hook. You know, at the beginning before he realizes he's Peter Pan.

I just feel so conflicted all the time. Like I'm not doing either job 100% and it kills me. And tonight was just the worst. I have to assume I'm not the only working mother who feels this way. Running your own business is no joke, the hours are crazy. I love it, don't get me wrong. I never thought I'd be so lucky to be so fulfilled in my career, but is it at the expense of being a good mom?

So I'm trying to step back, stop being a blubbing mess, and evaluate what tonight showed me. And I've come up with a few things that maybe it's time to start thinking about. Like maybe it's time to think about hiring an office assistant or intern. And maybe it's time to start saying no to some jobs. (I don't have to say yes to everything, right?). And maybe it's time to take time to prioritize my life over the next few months and get rid of the excess. Because I refuse to feel like I did tonight ever again. If any of you working moms have found the solution and have all the answers, I would SO so so love to hear from you!

Anyway, to highlight how awesome the rest of the night was, here are some photos I took of Fin as we tried to make the most of it and watch the other performances. I enjoy how Bean is really trying to hold it together in that third picture. God love 'em.

fintantrum

I promise the next post won't be such a downer, K?

5 comments:

  1. you can hire me as your office assistant and i'll take some of your jobs that you have to turn down. seriously. i will.

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  2. Everything happens for a reason! You are right, it's super difficult to be a mom and run a business...all we can do is learn from it and move on! And that's what makes a great mom. Which you totally are. XO

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  3. Awwww... you're right!!! It's so hard!!! I remember when I was working full-time from home, and it had the result of making me feel like I was never really at home (because there were always work tasks hanging over my head) and I was never really at work (because I'd have all these chores and other things to do). I didn't even have a baby then, so I can only imagine how much more complicated it is with Finley. Every mom has that night where she fails at something and feels awful. (Actually, I have those moments a lot. Like a minute ago, when I was reading blogs instead of paying attention to my baby on the floor, who then fell over and started crying.) DON'T WORRY!!! It's okay, and you're still a WONDERFUL MOM!!!! Finley will have so many advantages in her life from having a hard-working, talented, and dedicated mom like you. You are a great role model for her, and she knows how much you adore her!!!!

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  4. u can hire me! im super organized!

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  5. Time management is key, but also, if you didn't work you couldn't buy her that adorable skirt ) I say look at the local colleges for Interns. Even try giving Muhlenberg a call. Pull that alumni string :)

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